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| So... What do you do when you like someone, but hardly ever get the chance to talk to them and you never see them? And you haven't talked to them in person since you were in the junior high? This is quite the dilemma. Hm. God, rejection is terrifying. | | |
| People subscribe to me! That's cool!
I wore my new sweater today. My car did this jerking thing where it would stall, then go forward a little, then stall again. It did this repeatedly at one stop sign, which is embarrassing. Luckily, only one person commented on it today. Listening to Summer Skin really makes me feel good. I don't know why. This morning, I printed out review for my math assessment test because I'm retaking it. Fucking twenty-five pages long! I planned on taking the test tomorrow morning, but it looks like I'm going to need more time for studying. I'm also retaking my writing assessment test because I was one point away from making it into English 106 instead of English 101. That'll fuck up my entire class schedule, so I'll need to re-register. College is a pain in the ass. I took my Algebra II test today and it went well. I think I got an A. I'm just relieved to be finished with it.
Right now, I'm waiting for my friend to come over and pick up a movie, then I'm going to go into town and apply for a job at Prairie Gardens. My mom said she wanted me to be avidly looking for a job this week. It's highly possible that my car will be taken away if I don't find one soon.
I'm really sick of being let down. I think it's my fault. My expectations are too high. I expect people to be gentle and kind and careful with my feelings, but they aren't. I don't know if any of you know this, but from where I come from, I'm different from nearly everyone. It's not something I like or dislike, it's just the way things are. I think it scares people, though. They're not exactly scared of me, but scared of what will happen or what their friends will say if they choose to hang out with me outside of class. And the guy I saw this summer, the seemingly perfect guy, seems to be afraid. His fear is his one and only flaw. I don't know if he's one of the people that's afraid of being judged for seeing me or if he's afraid of actually being with someone. I think maybe he was afraid of the fact that I knew him, really knew him. Whatever he was afraid of, it doesn't matter now because he's let it get the best of him. I used to love everything about him, even the imperfections, but things are different now. I don't know who he is anymore. He isn't the same person that I knew three months ago. Maybe I'm the one that's changed. The point is that whatever we had is gone and I don't think there's a way to get it back and I'm having a hard time grasping the idea of loss. I don't blame him for being afraid.
Again, I do have those two great friends that always seem to lift my spirits. I am the best possible version of myself around them and that's something that I'm thankful for.
Late start tomorrow. I don't have to be at school until ten-twenty, but I will still wake up at six-thirty thanks to my ever-present body clock. You know, I drove him to school the last late start day.
"When I was five years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy'. They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didn't understand life."
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| Frank isn't posting the new Postsecret secrets until this afternoon! What?!??
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I don't like that you can only join twenty blogrings. Twenty seems like a lot, but it really isn't. I hate when I find one that I really like, then have to go through the twenty I'm already in and choose the one I like least so I can join the new one.
I just finished making apple crisp. I sort of used the recipe, but I mostly just threw in whatever sounded like it would taste good with apples, so we'll see how it turns out. I think that I used too much butter. Or the wrong kind of apples. Mmmm.
It's cold out and it's been spitting snow. We have a fire going. This time of year, I'm glad my hair is so long. It keeps me warm.
My mom bought me a sweater from the gap yesterday. It's navy & purple striped with grey trim around the bottom, the v-neck and the sleeves. I like it. It's comfortable.
I figured out that my grandparents put money in a CD for me a while ago and my mom says she thinks it's enough for me to buy my MacBook Pro. I'm excited about that because I thought I would have to save it all myself, it's nice to get a little help. And I may be able to get it sooner than I expected!
School tomorrow la la la.
I sort of regret letting anyone make me feel safe because eventually, I stop feeling safe around them and feel more insecure than I would with the average human being. Why can't everyone just tell you what they're thinking without fucking around? I'm sick of everyone's bullshit.
There's this girl at school with a Coexist bumper sticker on her car and it's funny, because when you hear her talk the last thing you would think is that she wants everyone to get along. | | |
| I was going to write about yesterday, but my days have run together. Every day is the same as the last. It has all become so repetitive that I don't even remember yesterday.
I was going to say that today was a good day, but it wasn't. I need to stop confusing easy with good.
It's been three days and I haven't taken my Algebra II test. Hopefully my teacher will be lenient with me and let me take it, or else I am in danger of failing the class.
I have to clean my room and wash my sheets. My grandparents are coming tomorrow.
In thirty-five days, I will be a college student. Do you realize how scary that is? | | |
| Today was an awful day. We didn't have anymore Naked Juice at my house so I had to go to the store before school and get some. Absentmindedly, I threw on an Absolut t-shirt before I left. My teachers gave me shit about it all day. Luckily, I didn't have to go home and change because if I had I probably wouldn't have come back to school and would have ended up missing even more class. I missed my Algebra II test yesterday and I was supposed to go in after school and take it, but I didn't because my day was already bad enough. I didn't need failing my algebra test in my head, too. I went to my high school counselor's office today to ask him how I should figure out if my classes are transferable or not and he told me that the best thing to do would be to set up a meeting with the college's guidance counselor, so it looks like I'm back at square one. I went to the Art room during Study Hall today and I sat there and just nearly cried. I'm only in Drawing & Painting I, and I was sitting there thinking about how everybody else is in higher art classes and is so much better than me and I thought everyone was judging what I was doing and I felt left out and it was just a mess. I feel so stupid, because as I type this, I know how ridiculous it sounds, but that's how I felt at the time. How am I going to get through Studio Art in college?
I feel like I don't fit in with my core group of friends anymore. I don't really have a core group of friends anymore. I don't even understand the girls that I used to be really tight with. What happened? It makes me sad because I don't feel like I have that circle and I wish I had more than one person that I could open up to. And I wish she wasn't halfway across the country.
There are two really great people in my life, though. I am so thankful for them. They make me laugh and get me through my day, whether they know it or not. They are such important, special people and I don't know what I'd do without them. So, I guess I have that.
I saw this girl with her boyfriend today. She was my best friend when we were in junior high, but we don't speak anymore. She was holding hands with him and she looked really happy. I want that so bad. I hate to admit it, but I really want someone to care about me in that way. During the holidays it makes me really sad that I don't have anyone. In the summer, you're partying and you're with your friends and you're hooking up with whoever the hell you want and you aren't concerned with having a significant other. For some reason, it really hits me around this time of year.
This girl, my best friend within the state, has been so moody lately and just in an all around shitty mood. I don't think I've seen her laugh in a week. I want to stick by her and get her through whatever's bothering her, but I don't want to be around her when she's like this. It pulls me down, too. She's being such a bitch and after school I IM'd her on Facebook just to say hey and we started talking about how paranoid she is about her boyfriend cheating on her. In an effort to console her, I listed off all the people she dated in the past that were faithful to her. She decided to set me straight by telling me that all these people had cheated on her and I have no idea what I'm talking about and she just completely blew up at me. She said that she hates when people think that they know her when they dont. That hurt so badly, because I'm not just "people". I'm her best friend and when she just lumps me into the pile of people that don't understand her, it doesn't feel so great. I don't even remember what I said to her, but I basically told her that rather than get so angry at me, she should tell me what's going on. At that point, she said "Why would I tell you anything? So you can laugh at me?" I said, "Do you seriously think I would laugh at you about this?" She replied with, "You laugh at me about everything else." Okay, that's really just my personality. I don't know how to deal with things any other way. I just laugh and use excessive sarcasm and joke around and that's just what I do and she knows that. She's usually like that, too, but not lately. Today she told me how her boyfriend getting completely wasted twice a month really bothers her and I kind of brushed her off and laughed about it, because that's completely ridiculous. She said that it bothers her if he has a beer when he gets off work. He's nineteen years old, he's a college student! He can have a drink if he wants! I told her I thought it was no big deal. Anyways, she brought this up in our argument and told me that I just laughed in her face about something that she considered to be a serious subject. I didn't think about it at the time, but I just realized that when I told her I was in Beginning Algebra, the first thing she did was laugh. My future is a far more serious subject than her trying to control her boyfriend's life. After all this, I just said "Whatever, dude. I'll see you tomorrow." She said that she didn't want to fight, that she was just stressed. I told her that she wasn't the only one and the last thing I needed was to get in an argument with her and I signed off. I'm so sick of this shit! For some reason, I though I was done with it because I thought I was above it, but I'm starting to think that there will always be some element of drama in my life.
After all of this, I looked at that guy's Facebook. The guy that I mentioned a few entries back that things didn't end well with. Actually, it didn't really have a definitive ending at all. It just ended. I was already sad and just seeing his face in his picture made me feel worse because I don't get to see it as often anymore and I miss it. I wish I knew what he was thinking. I wish I could just be near him again.
It's my mom's birthday today, so I'm going to put a smile on and make it special for her.
And thanks for commenting, guys. It makes me feel a little better to log on and see that somebody understands how I'm feeling.
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I made my mom a cake and I cooled down a little and Criminal Minds is on in two-and-a-half hours, so I'm feeling a little better. | | |
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